Archives for posts with tag: marriage counseling

When I posted my blog about how men in relationships and their lack of vulnerability, I promised that I would follow up with something about women.  It’s not that we need to bash men or women and our flawed relationship strategies, we just need to shed some light on why they’re dysfunctional.  Let’s just call a spade, a spade, if you will.

I previously mentioned the obvious change in women across the last several decades and how it has changed relationships.  Part of that change is the empowerment of the individual woman.   The strengthening of boundaries.  The courage to say no and stand up for one’s self, especially in relationships.  This is all really important stuff.

Losing relationship strategies

So where is that a problem in relationships?  To keep it simple, a completely autonomous stance of “I don’t need you” doesn’t send a good signal of relational stability into the marriage or partnership.  Let’s face it.  Men need women and women need men if they’re going to be in relationships.  It’s yin and yang.  Cats and dogs.  Peanut butter and jelly.  To forsake the man in the relationship and his needs is just as bad as the man withholding from the woman.

To be fair, most women I see in couples counseling do not take this approach.  It something, however, that can undermine the empowerment of the relationship.

Losing relationship strategies

Think of it like this.  You’ve fought hard and have done a lot of personal work to be able to get back in the boat with your partner.  You’ve been able to take control enough to help him steer the boat, or now your’re steering it all together.  Great!  Now don’t go and sink the boat by undermining the needs of the relationship.

(Courtesy to Terry Real and the Relational Life Institute for his coined phrase “I was weak, now I’m strong so go screw yourself.”  If you’re interested in learning more about relationship empowerment and how to navigate 21st century relationships, check out the link to his site.)

Advertisements

Frequently I hear from clients that they did like or did not connect with their past therapists.  It could be easy to say that it’s just a simple matter of “there are a lot of bad therapists out there”, but I think it goes deeper than that.  Getting therapy that works is about finding a therapist that you fit with.  One that is getting what you, or you and your partner, need.

Just because someone has gone through graduate school, or received a doctorate, does not mean that they are automatically an effective therapist for your needs.

John Harrison Counseling Blog Finding a Good Therapist

Here’s a brief list of some things I would suggest anyone look for when choosing a counselor or psychologist to work with.

Find someone who:

You feel a connection with and you feel comfortable talking with.  If you are not sure, refer to the people closest to you and noticing what about them makes you feel comfortable.  Your personal life, current issues, past issues, traumas, it’s all sacred.  It should not feel as if you’re “just another client”.

Encourages you and supports you.   Even as adults, it’s important that we receive acknowledgement for our accomplishments.   It’s also helpful because it assists us in gauging our progress.

Can be honest with you.  Let’s face it, it’s hard to hear someone’s thoughts on ourselves but it’s necessary to receive constructive reflection.

You feel that you honestly express yourself with without fear of being criticized.  Being told what you are thinking or experiencing by a therapist is wrong is…well…wrong.

Is meeting you on your level and for your needs.  There was no chapter titled “you” in those books the therapist read in grad school.  A good therapist is meeting you where you are, not where they want you to be.

Does not make you feel pressured to do anything.  You should feel free to say no to something you are not comfortable with.

Does not talk down to you and is not egocentric.  A good therapist remembers that they are human first and their credentials are a distant second.  Because they know they are human too, they use that as a basis of connection, empathy and understanding.

Does not make you feel as if they are “just treating your diagnosis”.  A diagnosis isn’t “you”.  The focus on therapy is not solely on your diagnosis.  The focus is on you as a whole person.

What kind of things are important for you, or would be, if you were looking to work with a therapist?

 

 

When is the right time to see a counselor?  This is a very good question.  It can be hard to know when we’ve crossed over from being able to “handle our stuff” on our own to seeking professional help.  Many of us have lived up to the mantra of “suck it up and deal with it” for so long that it seems foreign to even consider seeking the services of a therapist.

Contrary to what some of us may think, there’s nothing wrong with getting counseling! That goes for everyone.  Many people see a counselor to help them with the in’s and out’s of life.  You don’t need a diagnosis to see a counselor and you don’t have to feel you are crazy to seek therapy, either.

Seeking counseling

 

However, there are some signs that we should look for as signals that it’s probably time to at least strongly consider getting some therapeutic help.

Here are some common reasons to seek counseling.  These reasons are in no specific order and there are many things I’m sure I could add that I’ve left out.

1.  Symptoms of feeling down that have lasted longer than they normally do.  The event or the circumstance that we attributed to us feeling down has ended long ago, yet we’re still not the same.

2.  People that we are close to are concerned about our mood or lack of energy.  If people are asking us if we “really are ok” they know something is amiss.  Chances are they’ve just now felt it necessary to say something.  They’ve probably been noticing the shift in us for awhile.

3.  Feelings of being “out of control”.  If we don’t feel in control, we probably aren’t.

4.  Lack of energy.  If we’re feeling tired all of the time, or have very little motivation, it’s a sign that we may need some help.

getting counseling

5.  Apathy.  Not caring can feel worse than feeling down or worrying all the time.  If feeling apathetic about your relationship or your job is the case, this could have serious repercussions.

6.  Feeling frustrated about being stuck or going through the same things AGAIN.  Feeling stuck in a cycle of emotional turmoil or certain types of relationship disaster?

7.  Our partner feels that we are distant or disconnected from the relationship.  The longer this goes on, the worse it can get.

8.  Bouts of anger that make you feel out of control or are affecting your family.  Please consider help for their sake, if not yours.

9.  Feeling confused about self or place in the world.  It’s normal to go through significant periods of change throughout our lives.  It can be very helpful to have someone to help keep you grounded in the process.

10.  Any thoughts of harming yourself or others.  Of course, if this is the case.  The first step is to call for EMERGENCY help.  Counseling will be needed at some point.  Just not immediately.

Also, one of the biggest indicators that it might be a good idea to consider therapy is if you continually think about if it’s a good idea to do therapy!  Sounds simple, but going with the gut intuition is typically the best route!

 

One of the common themes with my clients that I see is their consistent questioning and doubting of themselves when it comes to making decisions.   Decisions with raising kids, decisions with career choices, decisions with relationships, and especially ending relationships.  “Will I make the right decision?  Will it all work out?  Will it happen the way that I want it to?  What will people think of me?”  Some seem big and it feels that the fate of our lives are in the balance. Some are small (such as figuring out where to go with your significant other for dinner).  Big or small we can still struggle with decisions.  Even with the seemingly most confident people that we know, or that we know of, the shadow of doubt creeps up on their shoulder from time to time as well.  So how DO we know if we’re going to make the right decision?

Well, we’ll never know.   Sorry.  There is no way to know if you’re about to ruin your kid’s psyche forever by refusing them their 3rd episode of Thomas the Train in a row…or if you’re trying to figure out if you should leave your job for a new one.

Here are some reasons why it doesn’t matter that we have to know if we’re making the right decision:

1.  There is no such thing as certainty and ultimate safety.  There is nobody that can get out of life untouched.   Sorry again.  I know that freaks parents out.  But we know that over protecting ourselves and others keeps us and others from engaging in life.  Since I figure we all want to engage in life, I’ll continue.

2.  Don’t allow yourself to live through your expectations!  Our expectations are nice stories but they aren’t reality.  Ultimately, they are not fair to you, or those in your life.  Especially in relationships.  Expect someone to make you happy in a relationship?  Don’t.  It doesn’t work.

3.  Focus on what you can control.  This is pretty much why expectations aren’t our friend.  We can’t control them.  Often when our hopes, dreams, sense of failures and accomplishments are tied into other people or outcomes…we end up disappointed.  Sometimes we’re devastated.   Living by waiting for things out of our control to “come through” for us doesn’t seem very stable, does it?

4.  Hindsight is 20/20.  Yeah, let it go.  We don’t have some super power that allows us to know what we don’t know and as much as we think we “just should have known better”. We didn’t.  Let it go.  Forgive and let go. This is where resentment to self and others is born.  Don’t let it.

5.  That thing you did that one time?  Yeah, everyone forgot about it except you.  We shouldn’t let that never ending loop of a story from that one thing that we did that one time influence our future actions.

6.  Life is for living.  Not over analyzing.  Life is for doing, not thinking.  We do life, we don’t think life.  Be here now.  Not only will we benefit but the people we are in relationships with will thank us as well.

Indecisiveness, like many things, isn’t necessarily good or bad.  Sometimes not making a decision is the best thing we can ultimately do.  Whatever the case, recognizing the bigger picture by not over inflating the true importance of what decision we make is what we have the most control over.  A big part of that is letting go of what happens after we do come to a conclusion.

Decide, trust, let go!  And it doesn’t have to be in that order.

 

think you can

 

 

 

Relationships are challenging at times, especially as we grow as adults.  Relationships go through phases and stages.  Ideally, we would like to choose a partner that moves through the growth of the relationship with us.  We start from the “honeymoon” period where each partner presents him and herself as the ideal mate.  We’re kind of like living and breathing Facebook profiles.  Putting our best, ideal self out there for our new partner to see.  Of course they reciprocate, which makes us “fall in love” even more.  Everything is fun, exciting, and new.  We say to ourselves, “This is the one!  I’ve found them!”  Of course that honeymoon ends and each person exposes themselves for who they are.  The good, bad, all of it.

Obviously, that person we honeymoon with wasn’t real and now we’re left with the truth. Two flawed individuals who are far from perfect.  Sometimes these relationships last and evolve into life long relationships.  Most of the time these relationships end.  That’s ok. We’d rather end up with the “right” person and not settle.

It’s also very common for people to date the same type of person over and over.  Why is that?  We see this in our friends and can’t figure out why they can’t “find someone better”. Why?  At some level of our subconscious we seek challenges for our “stuff”.  We could call that emotional triggers, baggage, insecurities, whatever.  We seek out partners that put us into the very uncomfortable position of dealing with the parts of ourselves that need attention and healing.  The same goes for our partners in that we do this for them.  All of this is unavoidable.   Our minds tell us that we’re looking for that “nice guy that treats us right” or that “woman who knows exactly how to give me what I need”.  Don’t buy it.  Your greater sense of self doesn’t actually want that. It wants the challenge of growth.

Committed partners are there to push each other to grow and change.  Of course, none of this is actually enjoyable.  But it is necessary.  Even past relationships that seemed like disasters had a key part in the evolution of who we are.  Our minds imagine a scenario where a relationship can exist without conflict and discomfort.  Our greater awareness and sense of self knows better.  Most of the time what we have is exactly what we need in our relationship.  Happiness, pain, conflict, and all.  We might call that “perfect”.

 

Dealing with emotions is probably the most difficult balancing act that we experience in our lives.  When we spend too much time and effort avoiding emotions, we are in denial.  When we spend too much time trying to fight them, we are angry and resentful.  When we exert too much energy taking advantage of the power and leverage these feelings can bring us, we become stuck and blind to the situation we are creating for ourselves.   To embrace the paradox that feeling pain, releases pain, such that there is a freedom in sitting with our emotions, is to allow a greater awareness of the whole self to be seen. 

I wanted to share this insightful blog post that I read this morning from Fractal Enlightenment.

 

Emotions are an inevitable part of the human experience. They can have us on top of the world or in the depths of despair, but if nothing else, they remind us that we are alive. Usually, “good” emotions are welcomed with open arms into our life experience, while perceived “bad” emotions are avoided at all costs. People use anything from drugs & alcohol to denial to avoidance to blame, all just to protect themselves from having to feel anything.

Very often we are given the advice to just, “think positive”, “be happy” or “stay optimistic” when we are experiencing hard to deal with emotions. While this advice may sound wonderful in theory, (because, let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want to just be happy and upbeat ALL the time?) it may not always be the healthiest option. In order to successfully move through a tough emotion, the emotion itself must be not only acknowledged but actually FELT.

How ironic. The one thing that people try to duck, dive and avoid at all costs (feeling the emotion) is the one thing that will set them free and resolve it. Denying the emotion is happening will keep it bubbling just under the surface, while observing it without judgement and feeling it to completion will actually make it subside…

 

The link to the whole post is below.

http://fractalenlightenment.com/30245/life/when-thinking-positive-doesnt-seem-to-be-working

I found this very accurate.  Going inward is hard work but the payoff is well worth it.  I guess when you meet your “soulmate” that’s pretty much their job.  Making you face yourself for your own growth.

From Ram Dass:

“What you have found from your past relationships is that what you are attracted to in a person isn’t what you ultimately live with. After the honeymoon is over — it’s after the desire systems that were dormant in the relationship that have the attraction in it pass and all of it passes — then you are left with the work to do. And it’s the same work. When you trade in one partner for another, you still have the same work. You’re going to have to do it sooner or later when the pizzazz is over. And it just keeps going over. And you can’t milk the romanticism of relationship too long as you become more conscious. It’s more interesting than that. It really is. And people want to romanticize their lives all the time. It’s part of the culture. But the awakening process starts to show you the emptiness of that forum. And you start to go for something deeper. You start to go to meet another human being in truth. And truth is scary. Truth has bad breath at times; truth is boring; truth burns the food; truth is all the stuff. Truth has anger; truth has all of it. And you stay in it and you keep working with it and your keep opening to it and you keep deepening it. Every time you trade in a partner, you realize that there’s no good or bad about it. I’m not talking good or bad about this.

But you begin to see how you keep coming to the same place in relationships, and then you tend to stop because it gets too heavy – because your identity gets threatened too much. For the relationship to move to the next level of truth requires an opening and a vulnerability that you’re not quite ready to make. And so you entrench, you retrench, you pull back and then you start to judge and push away and then you move to the next one. And then you have the rush of the openness and then the same thing starts to happen. And so you keep saying “Where am I going to find the one when this doesn’t happen?” And it will only happen when it doesn’t happen in you. When you start to take and watch the stuff and get quiet enough inside yourself, so you can take that process as it’s happening and start to work with it. And keep coming back to living truth in yourself or the other person even though it’s scary and hard.”

~Ram Dass