Archives for category: mindfulness

The bane of my existence.  The thorn in my pride.  A pain in the a** (for others).

Say it with me.  “I am a procrastinator”.

Now, for those that aren’t procrastinators, I say congratulations.  I have no ill will towards you.  My wife is a non-procrastinator and I derive endless inspiration from her tireless energy to “get things done”.

For the rest of my procrastinating brethren,  I offer this list to help with your understanding of what procrastination is not.  Not so we can procrastinate more and push-off responsibility, but so we can shed light on what gets in the way and be more honest with ourselves.  It makes more sense to OWN our procrastination, and what we feel with it, and allow it to guide us to use more of our energies doing what we love.

There is a tendency to feel guilt and shame around the subject of procrastination because we associate it with being LAZY.

procrastination is not being lazy

Here is a list of reasons that suggest your procrastination has NOTHING to do with being lazy.

1.  You don’t like boring routine tasks.  Nobody does, but for you it’s excruciating.  The more importance and meaning a task has for you, the easier it is for you to do.

2.  You have a waning attention span.  It’s hard for your attention to not go to things that are attractive to you.  These are things that you don’t procrastinate on.   They’re fun and entertaining.

3.   There is a level of anxiety about starting tasks.  Maybe you are a perfectionist, there has to be a set amount of time for you to just start the task.  The thought of starting something and then stopping in the middle of it gives you and your perfectionist side anxiety.

procrastination is not being lazy

4.  You are a creative type.  I’ve found that the most creative people who I know are procrastinators.  There seems to be positive correlation between creative energies and procrastinating, maybe for the same reason with ADD and creativity.

5.   You are successful at many areas of your life and don’t procrastinate in those.  At work, being a parent, coordinating nights out with your friends.  You excel in these areas and you AREN’T A LAZY PERSON.  Getting the basement organized?  Not so much.

What are ways you’ve been able to successfully view, or manage,  your procrastination?

 

(This is part one of a two-part post on procrastination)

 

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“Embrace the suck!” We used to say that to each other in the Army during miserable all day training exercises.  These training excursions were always accompanied by temps in the 30’s and 40’s and steady perpetual rain. Carrying heavy loads of equipment while playing war games in the cold rain actually became funny to us.  No, it was hilarious.  Beyond absurd.  Obviously, we forced ourselves into another state of mind.  It was a state of acceptance.  It was wrapped in crude humor and sarcasm, but it was acceptance nonetheless.

The closer we got to the discomfort, the less control it had on us.  We were free.  Free to crack jokes, laugh, tear down walls.  We really had no choice.  It was either be miserable fighting the inevitable, or laugh and cut loose while dealing with the inevitable.

Embracing the dark

It’s interesting when I notice just how much time and energy we seem to spend trying to be happy. Trying to make it look like things are always “ok”.  Trying to maintain control and not break.  I’ve enjoyed reading several blogs in the past few days that have talked about being alright with allowing our dark to come into the light more in our lives.

What happens if we allow some more dark to come through?  What if people knew that we aren’t always ok all of the time?  What if happy isn’t our default after all?  What if we allow the hard times to do what they do and not try and spend so much energy denying the inevitable?

(Here’s an older and slightly related post where I wrote about projecting the ideal self on Facebook and social media)

Honesty is a virtue.  People value it.  That and candor.  We’d be foolish to think that others don’t value those things when we let it come through in ourselves.

 

We are arguably at a time of social change in history like none other.  The age of women’s empowerment is increasing and has been for the last several decades.  Women’s position in our society has changed drastically.  Women are more self accepting and are more accepted in various arenas, such as the workforce, than ever.  Not just here in this country, but in most parts of the world.  Any significant change in men?  Not much.  Not a lot of change going on.  Right now, I would look at it as playing more catch up with women than anything.  And it’s not that this is a good or bad thing, so before some of you get defensive, hear me out.  Women and their roles have changed significantly while men have not and it’s affected relationships, marriages, and family life.

So, what happened?  Why are men struggling to keep up with all of this change going on?  There are a few possible reasons.  A big one is that in our society we still look at expressing emotions and feeling as a weakness.  This isn’t just men, but it’s also the women in their lives expecting them to maintain this false sense of bravado.  Men feel a tremendous amount of pressure to maintain the role as provider and fearless protector.  Another reason is that we weren’t taught to give ourselves space to be vulnerable and emotionally expressive.  Most of us men were never modeled this from our parents and our fathers.  But before we go and blame dad, we have to realize that he wasn’t modeled vulnerability from his father either.  “So what’s the big deal?”, you are probably saying.  Why do you need to be more emotionally sensitive or vulnerable?  Well, if you’re young, single, and not in an intimate relationship of any sort, you probably don’t need to be.  However, most of us men end up falling in love, thinking we have the perfect relationship, getting married, having kids, and then running into problems down the road.  A lot of us don’t know how to connect in ways that our partners and kids need us to.  There’s more to being a provider than bringing home the paycheck.

As a therapist I see couples who are having relationship issues and there is one common dynamic 9 out of 10 times.  The woman is dragging the man into counseling because she can’t get through to him on many levels.  These are areas such as shared common interests and goals, and intimacy both physically and emotionally.  The woman has found she is empowered enough to make a move to get her and her partner in counseling and now she’s pissed and wants change.  This is hard change for the man, however.  This is a huge shift and it’s not like the man can all of a sudden learn new skills overnight.  It takes coaching, patience, and vulnerability.  She’s asking him to be open and vulnerable to receive change for the first time in many cases.

It didn’t take long for me in my relationship to see where old patterns of communicating weren’t working.  It’s not that I was doing anything wrong, or intentionally wrong, it’s that I had not allowed myself to see past my perspective.  Once I began to take some risks, both personally and inter-personally, and connecting with some male mentors my relationship with my wife changed in positive ways I could never imagine.

I actually enjoy working with dysfunctional couples.  It’s not that I enjoy seeing their misery, it’s that I know what kind of positive changes are in store for the relationship.  And as a man, it’s rewarding for me to see another man willing to allow himself to grow not only for his wife and kids, but also for himself.

(Please feel free to comment with your thoughts and questions in the comment section.  I’d love to hear from people on this subject.)

One of the common themes with my clients that I see is their consistent questioning and doubting of themselves when it comes to making decisions.   Decisions with raising kids, decisions with career choices, decisions with relationships, and especially ending relationships.  “Will I make the right decision?  Will it all work out?  Will it happen the way that I want it to?  What will people think of me?”  Some seem big and it feels that the fate of our lives are in the balance. Some are small (such as figuring out where to go with your significant other for dinner).  Big or small we can still struggle with decisions.  Even with the seemingly most confident people that we know, or that we know of, the shadow of doubt creeps up on their shoulder from time to time as well.  So how DO we know if we’re going to make the right decision?

Well, we’ll never know.   Sorry.  There is no way to know if you’re about to ruin your kid’s psyche forever by refusing them their 3rd episode of Thomas the Train in a row…or if you’re trying to figure out if you should leave your job for a new one.

Here are some reasons why it doesn’t matter that we have to know if we’re making the right decision:

1.  There is no such thing as certainty and ultimate safety.  There is nobody that can get out of life untouched.   Sorry again.  I know that freaks parents out.  But we know that over protecting ourselves and others keeps us and others from engaging in life.  Since I figure we all want to engage in life, I’ll continue.

2.  Don’t allow yourself to live through your expectations!  Our expectations are nice stories but they aren’t reality.  Ultimately, they are not fair to you, or those in your life.  Especially in relationships.  Expect someone to make you happy in a relationship?  Don’t.  It doesn’t work.

3.  Focus on what you can control.  This is pretty much why expectations aren’t our friend.  We can’t control them.  Often when our hopes, dreams, sense of failures and accomplishments are tied into other people or outcomes…we end up disappointed.  Sometimes we’re devastated.   Living by waiting for things out of our control to “come through” for us doesn’t seem very stable, does it?

4.  Hindsight is 20/20.  Yeah, let it go.  We don’t have some super power that allows us to know what we don’t know and as much as we think we “just should have known better”. We didn’t.  Let it go.  Forgive and let go. This is where resentment to self and others is born.  Don’t let it.

5.  That thing you did that one time?  Yeah, everyone forgot about it except you.  We shouldn’t let that never ending loop of a story from that one thing that we did that one time influence our future actions.

6.  Life is for living.  Not over analyzing.  Life is for doing, not thinking.  We do life, we don’t think life.  Be here now.  Not only will we benefit but the people we are in relationships with will thank us as well.

Indecisiveness, like many things, isn’t necessarily good or bad.  Sometimes not making a decision is the best thing we can ultimately do.  Whatever the case, recognizing the bigger picture by not over inflating the true importance of what decision we make is what we have the most control over.  A big part of that is letting go of what happens after we do come to a conclusion.

Decide, trust, let go!  And it doesn’t have to be in that order.

 

think you can

 

 

 

Relationships are challenging at times, especially as we grow as adults.  Relationships go through phases and stages.  Ideally, we would like to choose a partner that moves through the growth of the relationship with us.  We start from the “honeymoon” period where each partner presents him and herself as the ideal mate.  We’re kind of like living and breathing Facebook profiles.  Putting our best, ideal self out there for our new partner to see.  Of course they reciprocate, which makes us “fall in love” even more.  Everything is fun, exciting, and new.  We say to ourselves, “This is the one!  I’ve found them!”  Of course that honeymoon ends and each person exposes themselves for who they are.  The good, bad, all of it.

Obviously, that person we honeymoon with wasn’t real and now we’re left with the truth. Two flawed individuals who are far from perfect.  Sometimes these relationships last and evolve into life long relationships.  Most of the time these relationships end.  That’s ok. We’d rather end up with the “right” person and not settle.

It’s also very common for people to date the same type of person over and over.  Why is that?  We see this in our friends and can’t figure out why they can’t “find someone better”. Why?  At some level of our subconscious we seek challenges for our “stuff”.  We could call that emotional triggers, baggage, insecurities, whatever.  We seek out partners that put us into the very uncomfortable position of dealing with the parts of ourselves that need attention and healing.  The same goes for our partners in that we do this for them.  All of this is unavoidable.   Our minds tell us that we’re looking for that “nice guy that treats us right” or that “woman who knows exactly how to give me what I need”.  Don’t buy it.  Your greater sense of self doesn’t actually want that. It wants the challenge of growth.

Committed partners are there to push each other to grow and change.  Of course, none of this is actually enjoyable.  But it is necessary.  Even past relationships that seemed like disasters had a key part in the evolution of who we are.  Our minds imagine a scenario where a relationship can exist without conflict and discomfort.  Our greater awareness and sense of self knows better.  Most of the time what we have is exactly what we need in our relationship.  Happiness, pain, conflict, and all.  We might call that “perfect”.

 

Dealing with emotions is probably the most difficult balancing act that we experience in our lives.  When we spend too much time and effort avoiding emotions, we are in denial.  When we spend too much time trying to fight them, we are angry and resentful.  When we exert too much energy taking advantage of the power and leverage these feelings can bring us, we become stuck and blind to the situation we are creating for ourselves.   To embrace the paradox that feeling pain, releases pain, such that there is a freedom in sitting with our emotions, is to allow a greater awareness of the whole self to be seen. 

I wanted to share this insightful blog post that I read this morning from Fractal Enlightenment.

 

Emotions are an inevitable part of the human experience. They can have us on top of the world or in the depths of despair, but if nothing else, they remind us that we are alive. Usually, “good” emotions are welcomed with open arms into our life experience, while perceived “bad” emotions are avoided at all costs. People use anything from drugs & alcohol to denial to avoidance to blame, all just to protect themselves from having to feel anything.

Very often we are given the advice to just, “think positive”, “be happy” or “stay optimistic” when we are experiencing hard to deal with emotions. While this advice may sound wonderful in theory, (because, let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want to just be happy and upbeat ALL the time?) it may not always be the healthiest option. In order to successfully move through a tough emotion, the emotion itself must be not only acknowledged but actually FELT.

How ironic. The one thing that people try to duck, dive and avoid at all costs (feeling the emotion) is the one thing that will set them free and resolve it. Denying the emotion is happening will keep it bubbling just under the surface, while observing it without judgement and feeling it to completion will actually make it subside…

 

The link to the whole post is below.

http://fractalenlightenment.com/30245/life/when-thinking-positive-doesnt-seem-to-be-working

I found this very accurate.  Going inward is hard work but the payoff is well worth it.  I guess when you meet your “soulmate” that’s pretty much their job.  Making you face yourself for your own growth.

From Ram Dass:

“What you have found from your past relationships is that what you are attracted to in a person isn’t what you ultimately live with. After the honeymoon is over — it’s after the desire systems that were dormant in the relationship that have the attraction in it pass and all of it passes — then you are left with the work to do. And it’s the same work. When you trade in one partner for another, you still have the same work. You’re going to have to do it sooner or later when the pizzazz is over. And it just keeps going over. And you can’t milk the romanticism of relationship too long as you become more conscious. It’s more interesting than that. It really is. And people want to romanticize their lives all the time. It’s part of the culture. But the awakening process starts to show you the emptiness of that forum. And you start to go for something deeper. You start to go to meet another human being in truth. And truth is scary. Truth has bad breath at times; truth is boring; truth burns the food; truth is all the stuff. Truth has anger; truth has all of it. And you stay in it and you keep working with it and your keep opening to it and you keep deepening it. Every time you trade in a partner, you realize that there’s no good or bad about it. I’m not talking good or bad about this.

But you begin to see how you keep coming to the same place in relationships, and then you tend to stop because it gets too heavy – because your identity gets threatened too much. For the relationship to move to the next level of truth requires an opening and a vulnerability that you’re not quite ready to make. And so you entrench, you retrench, you pull back and then you start to judge and push away and then you move to the next one. And then you have the rush of the openness and then the same thing starts to happen. And so you keep saying “Where am I going to find the one when this doesn’t happen?” And it will only happen when it doesn’t happen in you. When you start to take and watch the stuff and get quiet enough inside yourself, so you can take that process as it’s happening and start to work with it. And keep coming back to living truth in yourself or the other person even though it’s scary and hard.”

~Ram Dass